Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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