Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
