mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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