You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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