My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
