i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
