K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
