I'm drive I can fine osifer
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
