Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
