Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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