Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
