im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So vagazzling was a success
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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