You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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