I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
