franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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