Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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