For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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