Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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