I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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