so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
