I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Randomize
