Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
