Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
