I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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