that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
