He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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