Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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