Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
