I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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