My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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