I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
