How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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