well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
