also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
