dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I pour the whiskey from now on
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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