Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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