Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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