Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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