If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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