I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You can't motorboat a personality
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
