she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
