piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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