I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
