remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize