I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
