Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
