Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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