I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
