On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
