Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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