just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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