I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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