soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I party with great urgency now.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
