I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Holy sore nipples Batman
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
