So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
