I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
