I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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