i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
