I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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