dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
